The Benefits Of Active Listening For Couples.
All couples, at some time or another, take strain in their relationship. Nothing can hide this universal fact. Recognising that there is, and never has been, a 'perfect couple', means that we can finally relax and get on with the job in hand of improving/restoring/maintaining our own individual partnership.
A key to a good relationship is what is commonly known as 'Active Listening". Based on the concept that, "Communication is not complete until both parties, or both people, feel understood", it correctly highlights the crucial factor of being understood.
What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.
How is this 'active listening' achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.
What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.
It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The point of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally think that someone understands us!
Here's an example. Denise and Jim have disagreed about items in the laundry. Denise: "I'm so frustrated and angry that you just peel your socks off and put them in the laundry without unravelling them. I end up having to do it. I'm so cross as I keep on telling you and it seems to make absolutely no difference whatsoever."
Jim: "So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks." Denise: "Yes, that's right. But also that I then end up having to do it." Jim:"And you're upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don't." Denise: "That's right. I end up having to do it."
In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has "got it off her chest". She feels that Jim understands her.
If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.
Also note that "I" messages are being used here (rather than accusatory "You" messages). Denise is recognising and 'owning' that she is the one feeling cross, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. regardless of what Jim (or anybody else for that matter) has done to her. An "I" message accepts responsibility that ultimately our feelings and emotions belong to us and we are responsible for them.
And had Denise just blasted Jim with a "You" accusation like, "You make me so angry because you don't unravel your bloody socks," he would almost certainly have just got defensive. That is not surprising - would any of us respond differently? He would then, most probably, respond back aggressively - causing the argument to escalate.
Does all of this stuff about 'active listening' and "I" messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of 'active listening' and "I" messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So, there we go. Try and practice it. And then try some more. Watch some of the frustrations, angers and tensions drain out of the relationship as your partner begins to feel understood. And then try it on your kids, your in-laws, your boss, your next door neighbour, etc. In fact, you can try it on absolutely anyone you want to improve communication with!
A key to a good relationship is what is commonly known as 'Active Listening". Based on the concept that, "Communication is not complete until both parties, or both people, feel understood", it correctly highlights the crucial factor of being understood.
What is not being said here, is that communication is over when both parties agree with each other. Most times this will not happen. No. We are saying that communication can be tremendously enhanced when both parties feel that the other understands them. Even if "agreeing to disagree" is the end product.
How is this 'active listening' achieved? It is done through each partner reflecting back to the other what they have heard being said - or what they have perceived the other to have said.
What is to be reflected back is the facts - and also the feelings - of what was said. After the original speaker has heard them reflected back by the listener, the speaker can then 'tweak' the response to make sure the listener really did grasp the feelings and facts (or emotions and content) of what was originally communicated by the speaker.
It is worth remembering in all of this that the point of the exercise is not to get the listener necessarily agreeing with the speaker. Who knows if this will ever happen! The point of the exercise is to get the speaker to the place where they feel they have been understood correctly by the listener. Everyone knows what it feels like when we finally think that someone understands us!
Here's an example. Denise and Jim have disagreed about items in the laundry. Denise: "I'm so frustrated and angry that you just peel your socks off and put them in the laundry without unravelling them. I end up having to do it. I'm so cross as I keep on telling you and it seems to make absolutely no difference whatsoever."
Jim: "So what you are saying is that you are really cross and angry with me for not unravelling my dirty socks." Denise: "Yes, that's right. But also that I then end up having to do it." Jim:"And you're upset with me because you end up having to do it if I don't." Denise: "That's right. I end up having to do it."
In this example of active listening, the end result (which is what is desired) is that Denise feels understood. Jim may not agree with her (and may even selfishly forget to unravel his socks again) but Denise feels she has verbalized to him how she feels (appropriately) and has "got it off her chest". She feels that Jim understands her.
If active listening is reciprocated by the other partner too, then obviously a good two-way means of communication has been established. Both parties will feel understood. That is the ideal. And then the concept that communication is not over until both parties feel that they are understood has been successfully achieved.
Also note that "I" messages are being used here (rather than accusatory "You" messages). Denise is recognising and 'owning' that she is the one feeling cross, angry, frustrated, upset, etc. regardless of what Jim (or anybody else for that matter) has done to her. An "I" message accepts responsibility that ultimately our feelings and emotions belong to us and we are responsible for them.
And had Denise just blasted Jim with a "You" accusation like, "You make me so angry because you don't unravel your bloody socks," he would almost certainly have just got defensive. That is not surprising - would any of us respond differently? He would then, most probably, respond back aggressively - causing the argument to escalate.
Does all of this stuff about 'active listening' and "I" messages sound a load of theoretical claptrap? Then try it! Practice using 'active listening' with your partner by reflecting back to them the facts and feelings of what they are saying. it is not about being a parrot. It is about making sure that your partner feels understood because you have reflected back to them the content and emotions of what they are saying and feeling.
And what if it all goes wrong and strife does break out? It is still not to late to bring in the skills of 'active listening' and "I" messages. After tempers have had chance to cool, it is still possible to pick up the pieces, make amends and let your partner feel understood. And they will appreciate that.
So, there we go. Try and practice it. And then try some more. Watch some of the frustrations, angers and tensions drain out of the relationship as your partner begins to feel understood. And then try it on your kids, your in-laws, your boss, your next door neighbour, etc. In fact, you can try it on absolutely anyone you want to improve communication with!
About the Author:
This article was written by David Woodward, a qualified, experienced counsellor in Kettering, Northants.UK. He provides marriage guidance in Kettering, and offers a free initial consultation to help people assess whether counselling with him would be helpful for them. David is active in the local community, and donates one day a week of his time to voluntary work.
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